A Week of Loss

Eleven weeks into my pregnancy, I started to miscarry. I had a friend who miscarried twice after forty years old who always warned me that if I wanted a second child ever, to do it before forty. My husband and I went to get a conclusive diagnosis as to the state of the pregnancy two days ago. I never did have the abdominal cramping or heavy bleeding I had heard about. Both an external and vaginal ultrasound determined that I had indeed miscarried. We received a lot of good information about risk factors. Thirty to forty percent chance that I would have another preterm labor if I was to get pregnant again, given that my nine-year-old daughter was delivered preterm at 32 weeks. However, the chance of preterm labor could be minimized with close monitoring and possible progesterone hormone injections at the later stages of pregnancy. Miscarriage is a whole other problem given my age. Most of the literature concurs that women under the age of 35 have a 15% chance of miscarrying while that number goes up to 50% for women over 40. (The rate of miscarriage for unknown pregnancies is much higher; this occurs when a pregnancy is lost shortly after implantation, resulting in bleeding that occurs around the time of a woman's expected period).

And so, now it is time to reflect on how my husband and I feel about having another child with one who is nearly ten years old. The experience was clearly eye-opening for my daughter. She has forever pleaded to be an only child. After I became pregnant, her outlook changed. She asked to go to the yarn store so that she could get the supplies she needed to knit a baby blanket. She was excited about witnessing the early stages of my changing body. And when I miscarried, the tears were shed by her. I shed a few tears as well, which surprised me a bit, given that I tend to be very "calm, cool and collected" about what most people consider sentimental events. I know that my husband would like another child. And now I see that my daughter would like a sibling as well. I admit that I am scared to completely give up the external life I am beginning to live. The recent events of finishing my masters degree, starting a new job, embarking on my PhD have been personally satisfying. The recognition for a job well done in the business or academic world is intoxicating for me. Can I have both? Something that needs serious contemplation over the next few months. For time is not necessarily on my side. As my ob-gyn expressed, if I wish to have a second child, I should do so in the next year or two....

Introduction

I am a 41-year-old woman who has a 9-year-old daughter. I find myself pregnant with a second child. As cliche as it may be, time does go by so fast with a growing child. My husband bought some new video software so he was able to post the short videos we had taken of my daughter up on the web. I hadn't watched these since they were taken four and two years ago. The leap of growth and maturity, even the change of the voice, is startling.

I know this will be my last child. And so, I am using this blog as a way to document both of their lives. I have never been able to write a diary, because it is difficult to write to myself. But if I can feel that I am writing a letter to them, as a sort of picture scrapbook, then I am hoping that the words and the energy to write will come more easily.